There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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