So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize