dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize