I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize