He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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