Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
