Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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