I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
