His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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