Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
