There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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