dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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