i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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