my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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