JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
