just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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