I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
