Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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