Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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