Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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