I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
