first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
