Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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