Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
