the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
