Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
