We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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