he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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