just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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