I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize