She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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