I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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