I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
