i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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