it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
