never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
