My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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