4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
