i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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