I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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