Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
