I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
