i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
