I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
