I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize