dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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