burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
