Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i will never coherently bang her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
