he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
