I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
