the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
