i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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