I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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