Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Two words: blizzard sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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