I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
