he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
