its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
