Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
