Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(303): View more from Colorado

I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists

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(720): View more from Colorado

I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.

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(817): View more from Texas

I despise everything about her. Except her tits.

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